If someone had asked me a few a years ago if I would like to see my future, I’d have said “OK” and if they had shown me a picture of me standing on a street corner in Boston selling scarves I would have said “Screw you buddy.” Funny to know they were right. The turns of life can come so smoothly at times where the next one isn’t even in sight, just clear sailing straight ahead, but then you hit those slippery spots where your struggling to hang on. Recently it feels like I’m in the mountains, just working my best to get to the top of one peek just to coast downhill on the other side, still only seeing as far as the next peek ahead of me. Gets me worried not knowing what’s on the other side.
Hoping that these peeks keep getting higher and that I’m working my way up, my way “to the top.” Or could it be a range of mountains so wide that I’ll never see the end and the highest one was somewhere I’ve already rushed over so I could get to the next one. That’s what gives a little credit to idea that I could just turn around and roll along those flat simple roads with turns here and there, just not too many. Hey you could just toss the car and walk or stand your way to forever…
A gift and a curse to this life is that you’re forced to be inside of it. The best things I’ve found to do with it is explore along the way. We’re all explorers really traveling along our roads moving over different terrain. Walking along the same streets, but at the same time in totally different worlds, everything from heaven to hell is out there right now. From person to person we travel through the time in our life surrounded by it. Chasing, catching, avoiding and being caught it’s all there. Rarely we’re able to stop, to see the relation to things, the mystery, the relativity.
If someone stopped to ask me now if I’d like to see my future, I’d like to say I wouldn’t. That the road itself is the reward and the ups and downs of the mountains I’m on are a roller coaster ride to enjoy. The excitement to heat up my blood and bring me safely into a happy, healthy, hundred years. Most likely though I would and after looking in disbelief, say to the guy, “screw you buddy.”
Monday, September 24, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Kanye West Graduation
Kanye West “Graduation”
Shine, Shine. Kaney’s music always had the confidence and it’s a big part of why so many people love the man. You move through a softer approach that I appreciate behind the beats. He’s working with new sounds, not afraid of taking chances and creating styles instead of following someone else’s. The writing comes off as honest and he opens up for a few tracks, but more than anything it’s the glory of fame and that’s what surrounds it the spotlight loves him.
As a whole it didn’t do much for me, and even though I can say it was entertaining there weren’t any “wow” moments. I respect that he’s doing what’s inside of him and trying to dig some of it out for us, but it wouldn’t hurt to take a couple years off and let some more build up before the next release, too many folks burn themselves out trying to catch the market before they create the message. Keep it going I’m still a fan…
Shine, Shine. Kaney’s music always had the confidence and it’s a big part of why so many people love the man. You move through a softer approach that I appreciate behind the beats. He’s working with new sounds, not afraid of taking chances and creating styles instead of following someone else’s. The writing comes off as honest and he opens up for a few tracks, but more than anything it’s the glory of fame and that’s what surrounds it the spotlight loves him.
As a whole it didn’t do much for me, and even though I can say it was entertaining there weren’t any “wow” moments. I respect that he’s doing what’s inside of him and trying to dig some of it out for us, but it wouldn’t hurt to take a couple years off and let some more build up before the next release, too many folks burn themselves out trying to catch the market before they create the message. Keep it going I’m still a fan…
Saturday, September 15, 2007
In a Funk
I’m in a funk recently, too much drinking and not enough doing. A dark time where anything beyond moving is a chore. A time where a weakness is taking hold of my inner voice and the call to action is hardly audible. Frankly it’s disgusting, but I imagine unavoidable in many ways or a at the very least a necessary evil. Feeling good all the time detaches you from everyone else who fells like shit. Hopefully I’ll find a better balance of all this and use it to my advantage rather than letting it use me until I’m disadvantaged.
Only a few more weeks before I fly off to China and live a lifestyle that feeds my ego and softens me up at the same time. Something about not understanding most of what’s being said around you and struggling to work out sentences like a full grown preschooler with facial hair that punches you in the face with humbleness. Then you have the 2 hour massage and the advantage of being taller than most people and it all seems to work out…
This trip should be a strange one with some very dramatic ups and downs. My wife and I will be starting in Shanghai visiting family, always a great time. My Chinese family are great people they will all come over for lunch and dinner and we’ll get drunk and gamble and they’ll tell jokes and pour me a few more. My father in-law has done nothing but support and encourage us to live happy and reach for greater things. My Chinese mom is a beautiful women who would and does do everything in her power to make life for her family better even at her own expense (you just want to give her a big hug.) We’ll eat some fruit fresh from the trees surrounding their land, some fish from the pond out back and of course fresh fava beans and bok choy from the garden.
After a break from all the family stuff we need to squeeze in some business and hit the city in the center to visit with friends, give some gifts (gift giving is an art form to the Chinese and having realized it’s importance a work in progress for myself.) I blew $320 bucks of perfume yesterday, what the fuck! It’s still gravy baby cause I have made up my mind that financial success is something I will achieve among other things. (Henry David Thoreau once said that some men went off to India as a trading man so they may have become rich and might live the life of a poet. He insisted that to succeed in this business it would take no less than 10 years and by that time the soul would be lost…and that they should just go straight to the life of a poet…how bout if I do it in 5 years Henry? Will I still have the soul?) The business stuff appeals to me, when someone treats you to a grand lunch and goes out of their way to make you feel important, you can’t help but fell important!
After all the role playing it will be time to strap on the backpack and head west to Yunnan province of China. Hands down one of my favorite places on earth, it is a mix of the purest country side in China and small towns with cobblestone streets, outdoor cafes and small waterways running through. The head high marijuana plants growing along the side of the road are good fun to go as well. Then its down to south east Asia, I’m hoping for 2 out of Thailand, Cambodia and Laos (any suggestions) needless to say this should be otherworldly and with just my wife and I we are bound to roll between getting lost violent anger and totally content blissful love…Bangkok scares me a bit as I’ve never been and were I to go with mates it would be a beer after beer scuba dive into the underworld of western money and eastern exploitation excess. Truth be told I have far too guilty a concience for all that mess and with my wife around it will be more an observation of a relatively conservative Chinese woman handles a city like Bangkok.
Anyway none of that is here yet, it won’t even be started for a few more weeks and in normal fashion I start to overindulge leading up to a trip. It’s like I can push things further, over do them because I think they can’t keep hold of me. As if one day all my demons will wake up and say “Oh, shit! He’s gone again.” So I say give it to me while I’m here cause if there is one thing I’ve started to figure out it’s that you don’t know what you can do until you’ve done it.
Only a few more weeks before I fly off to China and live a lifestyle that feeds my ego and softens me up at the same time. Something about not understanding most of what’s being said around you and struggling to work out sentences like a full grown preschooler with facial hair that punches you in the face with humbleness. Then you have the 2 hour massage and the advantage of being taller than most people and it all seems to work out…
This trip should be a strange one with some very dramatic ups and downs. My wife and I will be starting in Shanghai visiting family, always a great time. My Chinese family are great people they will all come over for lunch and dinner and we’ll get drunk and gamble and they’ll tell jokes and pour me a few more. My father in-law has done nothing but support and encourage us to live happy and reach for greater things. My Chinese mom is a beautiful women who would and does do everything in her power to make life for her family better even at her own expense (you just want to give her a big hug.) We’ll eat some fruit fresh from the trees surrounding their land, some fish from the pond out back and of course fresh fava beans and bok choy from the garden.
After a break from all the family stuff we need to squeeze in some business and hit the city in the center to visit with friends, give some gifts (gift giving is an art form to the Chinese and having realized it’s importance a work in progress for myself.) I blew $320 bucks of perfume yesterday, what the fuck! It’s still gravy baby cause I have made up my mind that financial success is something I will achieve among other things. (Henry David Thoreau once said that some men went off to India as a trading man so they may have become rich and might live the life of a poet. He insisted that to succeed in this business it would take no less than 10 years and by that time the soul would be lost…and that they should just go straight to the life of a poet…how bout if I do it in 5 years Henry? Will I still have the soul?) The business stuff appeals to me, when someone treats you to a grand lunch and goes out of their way to make you feel important, you can’t help but fell important!
After all the role playing it will be time to strap on the backpack and head west to Yunnan province of China. Hands down one of my favorite places on earth, it is a mix of the purest country side in China and small towns with cobblestone streets, outdoor cafes and small waterways running through. The head high marijuana plants growing along the side of the road are good fun to go as well. Then its down to south east Asia, I’m hoping for 2 out of Thailand, Cambodia and Laos (any suggestions) needless to say this should be otherworldly and with just my wife and I we are bound to roll between getting lost violent anger and totally content blissful love…Bangkok scares me a bit as I’ve never been and were I to go with mates it would be a beer after beer scuba dive into the underworld of western money and eastern exploitation excess. Truth be told I have far too guilty a concience for all that mess and with my wife around it will be more an observation of a relatively conservative Chinese woman handles a city like Bangkok.
Anyway none of that is here yet, it won’t even be started for a few more weeks and in normal fashion I start to overindulge leading up to a trip. It’s like I can push things further, over do them because I think they can’t keep hold of me. As if one day all my demons will wake up and say “Oh, shit! He’s gone again.” So I say give it to me while I’m here cause if there is one thing I’ve started to figure out it’s that you don’t know what you can do until you’ve done it.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
interNET
InterNET
Long elastic legs
Soft plastic?
This is a doll I’m fucking
How convenient it’s becoming
Downloading my life
Trapped in an internet
Colder
Here and there she’ll hint of feeling urgy
Uninspired I respond or look away rejecting
“Touch me please,” she begs in silence
Turn over tired
Roll over shoulder
It’s not here
It’s getting colder…
Naked
Never walked naked
Naked like moles
Fat and hairy
Or bones and skin, pale with pimples
Small penis, big ass
Stretch marked, pumped up
Naked, normal naked
Haven’t tried it yet…
Long elastic legs
Soft plastic?
This is a doll I’m fucking
How convenient it’s becoming
Downloading my life
Trapped in an internet
Colder
Here and there she’ll hint of feeling urgy
Uninspired I respond or look away rejecting
“Touch me please,” she begs in silence
Turn over tired
Roll over shoulder
It’s not here
It’s getting colder…
Naked
Never walked naked
Naked like moles
Fat and hairy
Or bones and skin, pale with pimples
Small penis, big ass
Stretch marked, pumped up
Naked, normal naked
Haven’t tried it yet…
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
BeatUp
Crack! His knee slammed against my forehead, just above the left eye. I caught a glimpse of the crowd behind me, shouting and snarling like hungry dogs. Their breath made hot clouds in the cold winter air. Clouds that shot out from their mouths and rushed down to me; burning my ears.
I scrambled to try and tie up his leg; so I might avoid another blow, but the first had left me too dazed and the second struck with force. I wasn’t afraid and the pain didn’t come until after. I was humiliated, they had all seen me beaten. As I stood there in front of them and insisted that we go on, I felt their eyes screaming “weak.” Whispering and throwing their laughter out at me from behind the crowd. He didn’t matter anymore, but they did, more than all the world they did, and they knew it. I was now alone at the bottom of the food chain, all held rank above me.
Standing before them; like a defendant stands before his jury; with warm blood, sliding slowly down from my nose. I had been broken, not by fists or by knees, but by the attack of their judgment. I’d been found Guilty on all counts and was now at their mercy for sentencing.
That fight beat a self conscience into me. A self conscience, that till this day reminds me of what others think. A blind man regains his vision, I awoke to a nightmare. A nightmare I’d be forced to live inside. A nightmare where all that surrounded me was judgment; forever alone in front of the crowd, the snarling dogs, hungry for the strength that comes from the weakness of others. Always trying to prove myself worthy of respect and scrape my way up from the basement of popular opinion.
That’s how I learned to join the crowd. To blend in, never give them a chance to catch you alone. Provoke the charge of attack towards those whose weakness too closely resembles our own, before the crowd can sniff it out in you. Laugh loudly, but not too loudly, just enough for them to hear. A school of small fish swims together and creates the illusion of a single, larger, stronger one. What single little fish would be so brave, dumb to take the risk of swimming it alone.
Thankfully I had been able to hold the tears long enough to escape the eyes of the crowd. For some reason I thought that if I could just keep from crying, keep from letting the tears show themselves it would mean that all was not lost. It would mean that they weren’t able to take everything; but they did come, I was too weak to stand up against them. “I don’t want to cry,” I said out loud as the tears fumbled their way forth up from my gut.
My clothes were wet from the cold ice on the ground. The salty tears burned as they rolled over the cuts around my eye. It made my vision blurry and I slipped again jumping down off the rusty metal fence with its sharp prongs that I’d been forced to climb in order to escape the stares of those who’d watched my defeat. I’m just glad that I didn’t get stuck on that fence, like so many others have.
Those tears were not from the pain I felt pounding in my head, or the cuts on my hands and knees. Those tears were shed for the acceptance that I would have to submit to the crowd, if I wished to survive. The days of freedom had ended, no longer could I carefree go about my business and they about theirs. It was time to find a mask and sneak back into the good graces of the majority, become the crowd and never its victim. Learn to adjust to its movements without question and swim at a proper speed. Those tears were for my innocence, the innocence I’d be forced to leave behind on that cold winter day.
I scrambled to try and tie up his leg; so I might avoid another blow, but the first had left me too dazed and the second struck with force. I wasn’t afraid and the pain didn’t come until after. I was humiliated, they had all seen me beaten. As I stood there in front of them and insisted that we go on, I felt their eyes screaming “weak.” Whispering and throwing their laughter out at me from behind the crowd. He didn’t matter anymore, but they did, more than all the world they did, and they knew it. I was now alone at the bottom of the food chain, all held rank above me.
Standing before them; like a defendant stands before his jury; with warm blood, sliding slowly down from my nose. I had been broken, not by fists or by knees, but by the attack of their judgment. I’d been found Guilty on all counts and was now at their mercy for sentencing.
That fight beat a self conscience into me. A self conscience, that till this day reminds me of what others think. A blind man regains his vision, I awoke to a nightmare. A nightmare I’d be forced to live inside. A nightmare where all that surrounded me was judgment; forever alone in front of the crowd, the snarling dogs, hungry for the strength that comes from the weakness of others. Always trying to prove myself worthy of respect and scrape my way up from the basement of popular opinion.
That’s how I learned to join the crowd. To blend in, never give them a chance to catch you alone. Provoke the charge of attack towards those whose weakness too closely resembles our own, before the crowd can sniff it out in you. Laugh loudly, but not too loudly, just enough for them to hear. A school of small fish swims together and creates the illusion of a single, larger, stronger one. What single little fish would be so brave, dumb to take the risk of swimming it alone.
Thankfully I had been able to hold the tears long enough to escape the eyes of the crowd. For some reason I thought that if I could just keep from crying, keep from letting the tears show themselves it would mean that all was not lost. It would mean that they weren’t able to take everything; but they did come, I was too weak to stand up against them. “I don’t want to cry,” I said out loud as the tears fumbled their way forth up from my gut.
My clothes were wet from the cold ice on the ground. The salty tears burned as they rolled over the cuts around my eye. It made my vision blurry and I slipped again jumping down off the rusty metal fence with its sharp prongs that I’d been forced to climb in order to escape the stares of those who’d watched my defeat. I’m just glad that I didn’t get stuck on that fence, like so many others have.
Those tears were not from the pain I felt pounding in my head, or the cuts on my hands and knees. Those tears were shed for the acceptance that I would have to submit to the crowd, if I wished to survive. The days of freedom had ended, no longer could I carefree go about my business and they about theirs. It was time to find a mask and sneak back into the good graces of the majority, become the crowd and never its victim. Learn to adjust to its movements without question and swim at a proper speed. Those tears were for my innocence, the innocence I’d be forced to leave behind on that cold winter day.
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